My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.