My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
There’s always that one guy
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Overindulged this afternoon.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.