Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that