my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
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Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
dude it’s called proctologist
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m not sorry.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Terribly Tuesday.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
