Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Natty or not?

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.