Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that