my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
You Might Also Like
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
good for her
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
📽️movie date🎞️
