My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.