Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

the answer was staring at me all along

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

My purse is deeper than some people.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.