my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
