My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
You Might Also Like
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
#ParentingFacts
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.