My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What’s so funny?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
