My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.