My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.