Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

No regrets in 2018

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

😂🥴

🤨

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?