My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?![]()
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Oh. My. God.
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My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket