Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled