My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
