My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.