My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I think this cat is broken
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
New favorite tiktok
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
#JohnTravolta
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days