My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
every. time.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans