Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂