my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.