my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You Might Also Like
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”