My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it