Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?