Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

In space, no one can hear…

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.