Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer