Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Denise please return my vape pen

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…