Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

this is how life feels

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

This is the one

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink