My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Guy who likes music
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.