My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
