My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The Weeknd is back
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Catering service
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.