@Megatronic13

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

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@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@juneohara65

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@TheToddWilliams

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

@Steven37366100

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

@mrs_campfire

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety