My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
