Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

I love it

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

ㅤ

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person