My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Printer ink is expensive
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”