Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah