Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Cucumbers Anonymous

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

when you don’t want to be too vague

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.