Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Squirrels before girls.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

😂😂

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri