My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
You Might Also Like
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.