My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.