MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them