Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions