Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Warm pools make me nervous.

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Meanwhile in Portland…

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.