Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Has science gone too far?

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK