My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.