My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
All generalizations are stupid.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.