Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

this… may be the greatest story ever told

eggs benadryl

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”