My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.