My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
cat vs inanimate object
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
rise and shine we got egg
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Something Saturday.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them