Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

ㅤ

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”