Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Oh. My. God.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Europe. Made in Germany.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires