Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

I beg you to euthanise me

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

LA today:

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.