My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”