My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
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🚲+physics = winner
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*