My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Please vote for people who are attractive
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade