Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

pls suprot

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”