My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀