My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
You Might Also Like
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
