Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

😂😂