My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
twitter is a journey
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?