My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Mood.. 😂
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.