My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!