My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.