Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

very niche meme I made

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Not all heroes wear capes….

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..