Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.