My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.