Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

#CoronaOutbreak

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Dishonest mechanic?

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene