Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.