My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.