My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I wish this was real life…
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
As per my last nervous breakdown
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx