My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.