My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.