My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what