My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’