Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

The only time I’ll care about Basketball: