Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

*ernest hemingway voice*

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.