Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

so much to do

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.