My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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For those that worship cheese..
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
smartest karate player in the world
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane