My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky