My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
me before I type out affect or effect
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.