My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust