My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Growing out my freckles.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Can we not just call it Zealand now?