My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?