My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.