My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.