Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

Mornin

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet